Queen of Hearts 

I have congestive heart failure caused by significant damage found from my deadly heart arrhythmia and I won’t live to see 40. Here’s a joke, maybe I never knew how to properly use it so you know what they say don’t you? Use it or lose it. I’ve never given proper love to the people in my life who truly deserve and I still don’t. I honestly don’t know how, it hurts to love fully that my heart swells so much I feel like it will explode. I keep my feelings in. It doesn’t mean I don’t love the people in my life my whole family and my in laws, my 2 stepfathers, but I just can’t tell them how much they mean to me. To hug, to say I’m proud of you in person, it’s hard not for lack of meaning it. I fully whole hearted mean it. For lack of not being able to handle the lump in my throat, the swell in my chest, a hug sends me over the edge. I just don’t know how to process such strong emotions, I like putting my feelings in a box, each compartment nice and organized but love is one that is hard to control. Even my husband is no exception to the rule, often to communicate emotions about things or topics I have to text it while we are in the same room because some words I can’t even say aloud.

So like I said, it’s ironic my heart, a heart…the symbol of love and feelings the very thing I have such a hard time dealing with and mine literally fails on me. Talk about irony, my mom feels I held in too much all my life. I was never a complainer, I never said anything about my chest pains I had for years, I never wanted to be a bother. She feels somehow it wore down on my already overworking heart for years. I suppose. The doctor now tells me, take it easy, not to get upset. Upset, that’s funny considering third stage heart failure is something to be upset over but I don’t get upset over it very much, only when I think about my family. I come across as selfish, or uncaring and that’s ok, but the only reason I’m not giving up is to not put my family through the grief of my death. So my life isn’t my own, not with the chest pains, exhaustion, seizures and Lupus flair ups of pain. No – my life is not for me anymore. I live only for them. They give me purpose I never found before.

All of them. 


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