Some people are screamers. Maybe your the kind that feel physical pain and let out a cry, a scream, a grunt. Some people give in quick, some people are hard to give up a sound but eventually you’ll reach a breaking point and a sound will escape those tightly sealed lips.
Keep it in, roll it into a tight bundle, shove it deep down into the darkness. Clinching to my stomach until it scratches and claws it’s way up, digging and taking stake into each of my organs on the way. Picking up momentum as it climbs up into my chest and settling into my throat, waiting for a chance to escape. Growing, growing stronger each time you choke back tears, choke back sound. Risking a chance someone might hear, you turn the sound up.
The worse it truly hurts the more you need to keep it in, you don’t want to scare anyone, you don’t want to be a spectacle. Watching the undead on the flickering screen devour their helpless victims provide a distraction. To see someone in worse agony than you, even simulated is something to cling to, it could be worse right? Rationalizing your pain away, anything to take that pain away. Their screams of pain on the TV set cover yours, all you have to do is keep turning that sound up. Remember, keep that remote handy next to the Tylenol.
Give it enough time. Your composure will shatter, your self control will break and your will inside, that spark of life…the light behind your eyes will fade to a dim glow of the television screen reflecting back at you. A hollow shell of your personally, a watered down version of the person you use to be is all that will be left. No one has to bite you to become a zombie, it starts from within. Deep inside, a tiny seed of disillusion is planted and germinating within. Dying hope rotting away like the flesh of so many zombies on screen. Blacken and scorched by the bitterness of your daily anguish. Your just as alive as the walking undead … without purpose, without light behind your tired eyes, making it from one day to the next as they blur together. Your only surviving.
Eat, endure pain, sleep. Eat, endure, sleep. Eat, endure, sleep.
You can’t relate to the victims in the storyline anymore because your as empty inside as the corpses that chase them. The same dead stare of distain in your eyes echoes in those perfectly painted fx movie monster eyes. Distain for life, knowing that life is so much scarier than a horror movie will ever be. That’s when you know your the monster in your own horror movie of a life. I’m not even a summer blockbuster or cult classic people will embrace for its flaws…just a poorly made B movie full of clichés.
So be kind, don’t rewind. Don’t even watch this nightmare of a life I’m living.